The Truth Behind 'Tees Mar Khan'!

TMK is one of the best movies ever made in Bollywood. Never before in the history of Bollywood has a film come up with such an interesting plot and planned and executed to such perfection. Right from the publicity stunts, to the music launch and the movie release date...everything just hits the bulls eye!! And the result .... just what the real Director planned!

The plot for the movie dates back a few years .... a time when Akshay Kumar started delivering hits after hits by screaming his

dialogues, flashing his teeth and laughing his way to the bank with every film he made. Now the Khans of the industry started getting worried. Well so to say only one Khan in particular! You ask what about the other 2? well .....one doesnt worry abt competition and the other one just beats the hell out of them in his Dabang style! That left the Badshah..to deal with this new enemy at his gates.

For a quick discourse on the art of war....read on -

Scene 1 - Farah announces New film TMK, but chooses Akshay over Shahrukh ( How to set the stage for a fight )

Scene 2 - Shahrukh upset with Farah, media gives publicity to the fight ( How to capture attention of the media )

Scene 3 - Farah gets Twinkle to sponsor her project ( similar to the way TMK fools the villagers to sponsor his robbery ) ( How to finance your projects )

Scene (3a ) - hidden act - Farah insures the film against loss of profit !! (How to cover your arse)

Scene 4 - Music launch and the hype - Sheela ki jawani becomes a huge hit! ( How to manage your brand )

Scene 5 - movie launched on Xmas eve...( how to ensure that everyone watches it. ( part of it includes scene 4) )

Scene 6 - Movie - super flop - Akshay, Katrina being criticized for their pathetic acting, Farah for her pathetic direction...( if any ) ( How to achieve the result u always wanted )

Behind the scenes - Shahrukh ( the real director ) n Farah are having a party!!!... The challenger to the No.1 position of Bollywood has been turned into a joker!! King khan's position is intact! Farah has her cast ready for next film (read Shahrukh )

Our khiladi lies at the bottom of the hill looking towards the Bad'shah' and shaking his fists in anger... yelling his dialogues again n again " Mai tujhe dekh lunga, tune mera ye haal kiya hai..mai tujhe dekh lunga!"

Shahrukh n Farah just look at him n say...."lootati hui ta****f ki izzat and Dubate hue Tees Mar Khan ko koi nahi bacha sakta!!! "

End of movie....

Well if the above was not the actual plot and Farah actually tried making TMK as it was....then the movie should have been aptly renamed ' Sheela ki Jawani ' n should have ended as soon as the song ends!!

so my friends..save your money and wait for M. night shyamlan's movie rather than watching 'Manoj Day Ramlan'!!!

Phone war results... the latest Chinese Apple!

Recently after hearing about an awesome Chinese phone I was reminded of the dialogue in the movie 2012 : “Trust the Chinese to build anything". The phone in question is pitched against the iPhone 4.

With the launch of iPhone 4, came a host of problems for Apple. The antenna problem and reception issues were just some of them.

What surprised me was that while Apple decided to play them down saying that it was a problem common to all the phones, Chinese mobile manufacturers came out with a mobile that would make u go WOW!

1) Antenna Issue: iPhone 4 comes with an inherent problem, that when held in a particular manner the reception of the phone drops. Reason cited is that both the additional antenna provided by Apple ..blah blah blah…( if u want to read more about this .. then this is not the blog to read! ). Solution : Simple hai… add an extra antenna… This Chinese phone comes with an extendable antenna similar to a cordless phone. Now hold ur phone however u want.. and u still get awesome reception!!! So standing in a crowd like Mumbai locals and afraid of reception failure… well just extend the antenna above the crowd height and there u are!!

2) Extra silent Mode: Smart phone taken to a smarter level. Tired of the vibrations or the blinking light disturbing you when u are busy in something urgent?? Fear no more… coz this phone comes with a sensor that senses your activity and if u are in no mood to take calls or too busy, it automatically retracts the antenna making itself unreachable to the outside world :P So no more disturbing calls or smses. To get it out of that mode just stretch the antenna and there you go.. you will see a lot of smses from ppl asking where u are. So u can pick and choose as to whom u wanna connect to… Talk of Next Generation Technology!

3) Next generation delivery reports: Forget getting those status pending messages from the service provider. This phone ensures that the message sender gets an immediate reply the moment a message is delivered. How it works? Simple; the extra sensitive touch pad is unlocked automatically the moment an sms is received. And then given that ur mobile is in ur pocket or purse… it will automatically hit something sending an auto reply to the sender of the message.

4) Intelligent hold: - U pick up a call from an unknown number and then realize it’s a credit card company calling u .. no worries… This phone senses ur cheek muscle movements while u speak and immediately puts the caller on hold saving u from any excessive pleading / convincing tactics from the other side. It also is being touted as the break thru discovery for anger management. Remember the advertisements where in ppl are shown knocking on other ppl’s door for silly reason just to put a stop to a heated argument turning into a case of domestic violence? … well this phone works on the same principle. The moment u get agitated it puts the call on hold and prevents u from getting into an angry interaction with the caller.

Some things that are supposedly kept similar to the iPhone 4, especially not providing the call waiting feature. (This is as per my friend’s claim who has bought this awesome device J ) The manufacturer’s claim that they dint want to provide every damn facility in the mobile as it might have given it a very high end image resulting in a loss of customer base.

Target market? Anyone who can’t wait for an iPhone 4, or doesn’t have money to buy one. Coz this cool gadget comes at just a price of ` 4500/-

Any further reviews wanted on this awesome gadget just get in touch with me… I will lead u to the most satisfied customer of this phone.

** Disclaimers

1) The name of the phone is not mentioned specifically as Googling the name does not give any results. The phone is supposed to be marketed only through word of mouth in the literal sense. J

2) The name of the most satisfied consumer has been kept secret on the owner’s concern for his/her safetyThe name and contact details will be provided on request.

Aaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee - Brain Dead!

I never knew it would take a movie to write my first blog... but here I am penning down something about a movie whose trailers may attract you to the theatre, but trust me you could spend the money somewhere else!

There are bad movies, then there are worse movies and then there are the really pathetic ones and after all those comes Aisha!

Well some of my friends (or should I say a particular friend) who liked Aisha said I might have gone in with wrong expectations, so I will set the expectations straight. I walked in to the movie to see some fun, some shaadis and a decent enough continuity that would not put me to sleep. 5 min into the movie and you start wondering why are you there.

As far as the story goes, people told me it was based on Emma, or the movie Clueless neither of which I had watched or read so I had no expectation so as to say. Well in the initial few scenes I realized that this movie is gonna be a fashion parade of all the big brands (the ones which we usually tend to window shop), Delhi high society life and a few love stories thrown in between. 10 min later your brain goes dead and you stop processing any thought about the movie. All you do is sit there, coz your brain does not process even the small action of walking out of the theatre.

The story is simple - In one of his past lives Anil Kapoor had done some favors to the Bijli Khandaan and hence they wanted to repay him in kind. Now you know Anil, he would not accept money just like that, so he asked them to gift his second child on her birthday. Guess they gifted her a video camera and that’s how she thought of producing a film. So Anil, Rhea and the Bijli's now are sitting on a pile of money and a camera thinking what to do. In walks Sonam, saying that she has to shop. Just for fun, they shoot every bit of shopping that Sonam does along with her friends. I guess they also had a few tapes of Sonam taking her first acting lessons in life and they throw them in too. By now since they realize that they have spent a lot of reel videotaping the whole thing so might as well try to get more money to cover the credit card bills. So they roll everything into a movie and call it Aisha ( More of Haiishya ... the kind of sound u make after u are done with task )

Now there remain a few questions - what is the so-called intelligent Abhay Deol doing in such a movie. Well it appears that Abhay was on a break from his movies and wanted to chill out in life. Anil just happened to notice that and offered him money to do nothing...( I would have loved that job too ) So we see him there ...but a true professional that he is, he could not resist giving something in return and so he tries to act in a few scenes. The moment he does that, the director ( if there is one ) calls it 'CUT' and story rolls on.

How come the songs and music happen to be good – Its simple – Javed sahab dint know what was going on the sets and he delivered his usual best. So the music happens to be the only good part about the movie.

Why do we so many designer products like L’Oreal, Dior, Gucci and others so frequently in the movie – answer is simple, instead of paying a huge amount for 30 second advertisements on TV, where people change channels as soon as they start; they get the viewer’s undivided ( ya, anything else hardly calls for attention ) for 2 hours 15 min. Volkswagen to jumps on the bandwagon…( where else do they show the extreme maneuverability of the Beetle ). But I am really astonished…aint the Beetle supposed to come with tubeless tires???

Now about the acting

Sonam Kapoor – Now I realize why she was given a shorter role in Delhi 6 – The girl simply cant act to save her life. And yes, she is fat. On top of it she is made to wear the worst clothes ( I am doubtful abt the ‘made’ part… it might be entirely out of choice ) a jeans over a swimsuit, shorts over swimsuit, then a black one piece ending well above the knee when she is visiting her sister in hospital and what not.

Pinky Bose (that’s the screen name) – She does a good scene of bitching and swearing about everyone and wearing clothes with huge green frogs with red eyes painted over them. Not to mention her kind of cute oval framed glasses and the eye numbing pink colored nail polish. But overall bearable

Shefali –(another screen name) – the girl starts as a village girl and plays it cool..then transforms into a modern lady with scanty dresses and no mind of her own and ruins her part totally

Aarti (Lisa Haydon) – well she did look good till she sang some Hindi classical at Diwali night… that was the end of it.

Dhruv – (some weird actual name….forgot it) – he looks like he is straight out of the gym and on the sets to play the hulk and kiss and flirt with every woman. His aim of life is to get in bed with a girl and hence his mission statement says – “ Ye nahi to koi aur sahi”

Abhay Deol – I will skip him

Cyrus – he does play a decent role as per expected of him except that we don’t end up liking it at all.

The rest of them are pretty forgettable

Now after all this, there is one last question that remains – if at all the movie makes some money… where will it go? Simple – to all the critics who seem to have been bribed to write good reviews about the movie. Seriously after watching the movie in a 1/4^th full theatre, which got half empty in the interval and then the audience started putting in their own dialogues; I wake up today morning to see a 4star rating in the newspaper.

So all those who save their money due to me…please treat me for dinner or lunch or take me to a better movie just to get my brain restarted.!!!